623 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts
by inkblot hearts
Summary: After seeing a whole bunch of these lists online, I decided to add my own. With help from those numbered Bumper Stickers on Facebook, I think my list is a little closer to whichever list out there is the original.


623 Things I'm Not Allowed to Do at Hogwarts

1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. Growing marijuana and hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an "extra credit project for Herbology".

4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

5. I will not go to class skyclad.

6. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

10. Polishing my wand in the common room is okay. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.

14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

15. I will not tie-dye all of the owls.

16. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall. Or anywhere else for that matter.

17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

18. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

19. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

20. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.

21. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.

22. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Claus.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

25. Tricking a school house-elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine. Even if I yell, "PWNED!"

26. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwick's wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

27. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

28. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

29. I do not weigh the same as a duck.

30. I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout "Long live Lord Voldemort" because I think its funny.

31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.

32. I will not lick Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey. Charming the label does not change anything.

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

36. I will not change the password to the prefect's bath to, "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty."

37. There's no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

38. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

39. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

42. "42 "is not the correct answer to every question on the O.W.L.s.

43. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not teach the first years to sing, "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End".

49. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

50. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

51. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

52. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

53. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".

54. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheromones".

55. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

56. I will not refer to Kinglsey Shacklebolt as "Big Black Sex Auror".

57. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

58. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

59. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor. Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor. I am not a Professor, at all.

60. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy. Or any other Slytherin.

61. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

62. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

63. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

64. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

65. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

66. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

67. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

68. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

69. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

70. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry. Or the teacher laundry.

71. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

72. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

73. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

74. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

75. I will not put books of Muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

76. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

77. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

78. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

79. Chemistry and Potions don't mix. Testing this last is not funny.

80. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

81. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

82. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.

83. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

84. I am not allowed to lock Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

85. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

86. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent. Especially if I can't.

87. A Time-Turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle cars.

88. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

89. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums". Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

90. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

91. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos".

92. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

93. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

94. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus. Neither is Professor Snape.

95. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

96. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

97. I will not claim there is a prequel to _Hogwarts, A History_ that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

98. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

99. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

100. I am not allowed to give Peeves a paintball gun.

101. Neville is not my valet.

102. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

103. I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

104. I cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

105. I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him that they are real animals. Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokemon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.

106. I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

107. I will not sing "The Badger Song" during Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

108. I'm not allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

109. There is no "bring a Muggle to school" day. And I should stop insisting there is.

110. I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas feast.

111. I will not yell, "Believe it... or not!" after any of Dumbledore's speeches.

112. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination does not count for extra credit.

113. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants" and I'm not allowed to sign my papers as such.

114. There's no such thing as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.

115. I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow Peeps.

116. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

117. Voldemort is not Ganadorf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.

118. I will not sing the entire "Multiplication Rock" series during Arithmancy exams.

119. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

120. I will not call Professor McGonagall "McGoogles".

121. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

122. "Draco Malfoy Takes It Up the Arse" is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.

123. I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.

124. I will not wear my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!" shirt to school.

125. I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary War in the Charms corridor.

126. I'm not allowed to declare an official "Hug a Slytherin Day".

127. I will not introduce myself to first years as "Tim the Enchanter".

128. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

129. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the common room.

130. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

131. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

132. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

133. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class. Even if I brought enough for everyone. Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

134. I will not teach the first years to play The Penis Game in the Great Hall during dinner.

135. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

136. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

137. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother.

138. I'm not allowed to tell first years that Professor Snape is the voice of God.

139. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

140. I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

141. I will not threaten the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.

142. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

143. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office. I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group. Especially not with kazoos.

144. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

145. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.

146. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

147. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout, "I... HAVE... THE... POWER!"

148. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

149. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.

150. Getting everyone into the Great Hall to do the Time Warp will not earn me any House points.

151. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

152. I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.

153. Humming/ singing/ referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

154. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

155. I may not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

156. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.

157. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

158. I'm not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

159. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.

160. I will never again use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on peas. Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

161. I may not have a private army. Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

162. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.

163. I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

164. I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

165. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

166. Portable Swamps are not funny.

167. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.

168. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.

169. I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth. Neither is The Fat Lady.

170. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

171. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the Whomping willow is highly frowned at.

172. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

173. Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

174. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

175. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

176. I am not the Wicked Witch of the West. I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

177. I will not melt if water is poured over me. Neither will Professor Umbridge.

178. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.

179. I am not a Wirn Animagus, either.

180. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III. Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

181. "Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons" is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures Class.

182. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

183. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform. Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.

184. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class. Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

185. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is. That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

186. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

187. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

188. I will not levitate everywhere in a big pink bubble.

189. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

190. No part of the school uniform is edible. Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

191. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".

192. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.

193. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum". Nor Professor Snape.

194. Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors. Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects. Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

195. I am not allowed to prophesize the end of the world more than once.

196. Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures. Especially not if I actually have them.

197. Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share. Also, I will not ask her to fly under the influence.

198. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in Herbology class.

199. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

200. Will not charm Hermione's Time-Turner to rotate every half-hour.

201. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".

202. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Draco's forehead.

203. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets. Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.

204. Singing "99 Bottles of Potion On the Wall" nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.

205. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for Muggle studies.

206. Woad and other camouflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

207. I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch fieldm at dawn.

208. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.

209. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

210. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a Time-Turner.

211. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk. Even if my prefect did it.

212. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.

213. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

214. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

215. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

216. I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl. Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through. The same goes for Hermione.

217. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.

218. I will not use invisibility charms on anyone's clothing.

219. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

220. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

221. I will not test my Potions assignments by spiking Snape's drink with them. Especially not all of them at once.

222. I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

223. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.

224. It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing".

225. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

226. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower. Likewise the satellite dish.

227. The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.

228. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

229. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

230. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.

231. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

232. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

233. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

234. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

235. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My God, it's full of stars!'

236. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

237. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

238. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

239. I am not authorized to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students. Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

240. Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

241. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

242. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher. I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

243. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!' Or 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!'

244. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.

245. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity. Or Wicca. This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.

246. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators. Or the referee.

247. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

248. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum. I will not give people Veritaserum.

249. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

250. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

251. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

252. The house elves are not there to do my homework. Neither are the ghosts.

253. I am not a magical creature.

254. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

255. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.

256. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

257. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed. Or under his robe.

258. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.

259. Grindewald is not my role model. Neither is Voldemort.

260. I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

261. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it. Including my own.

262. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

263. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

264. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.

265. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

266. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.

267. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".

268. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret Animagus.

269. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of Muggle firearms. Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

270. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes Daylight Savings Time.

271. Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.

272. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable Charms research.

273. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off. Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to Potions class. Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

274. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

275. Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

276. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

277. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

278. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice. I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro. It was not an honest mistake.

279. Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale".

280. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.

281. I will not go into Dumbledore's Pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.

282. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

283. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

284. The fact that there are only three Unforgivable Curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

285. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

286. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

287. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

288. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.

289. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

290. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is 'compensating for something'.

291. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

292. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing. Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile.

293. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

294. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

295. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

296. Telling people that Professor Snape is an Animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.

297. Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.

298. I will not get a Muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

299. I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.

300. Singing "Wild Thing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

301. Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

302. I am not to "walk on water" in front of Muggles.

303. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather. Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

304. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

305. Draco Malfoy is not a vampire. Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.

306. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

307. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.

308. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial. Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.

309. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

310. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.

311. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.

312. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

313. I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

314. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong. So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

315. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

316. I cannot be a Heffalump Animagus.

317. I will not threaten the Fat Lady with dip.

318. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

319. I cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible.

320. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

321. Robes are not optional.

322. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

323. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man". Even if I do conjure him up.

324. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.

325. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by. Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song. Or "Eight is Enough".

326. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.

327. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

328. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.

329. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

330. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around. Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

331. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny. Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."

332. I am not a Balrog Animagus.

333. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

334. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in Animagus form.

335. I will not ask people what their daemons are.

336. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

337. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwarts' smartest student is in another house.

338. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

339. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.

340. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

341. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.

342. "Frankenstein" is not required reading for DADA classes. Neither is "Dracula".

343. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.

344. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

345. Using the Full Body-Bind Curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June. Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break. If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

346. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot. Likewise, I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

347. I am not to tell Muggle-born first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

348. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

349. I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

350. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their staring snarky yelling matches and yell, "SLASH, SLASH, SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

351. House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

352. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

353. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

354. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

355. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

356. "The Crucible" is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell First Years that it is.

357. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

358. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape. However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

359. The Bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

360. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume. However, I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

361. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror". Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate. Especially if he's wearing it.

362. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate. I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

363. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

364. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

365. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

366. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing". Even if that is an accurate description.

367. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

368. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

369. I am not allowed to spank others. Even if Malfoy liked it.

370. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape. This goes double for superglue.

371. I am not to dance naked in the great hall. Or on the grounds. Generally, dancing naked is wrong.

372. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth. While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth. Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe".

373. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime. Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.

374. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet".

375. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

376. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

377. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

378. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

379. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggle-born first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

380. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom. Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

381. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". The same goes double for Voldemort. Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta. Especially to their faces.

382. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

383. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy' Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'.

384. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'

385. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate. Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.

386. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable. Especially if the song is "I Feel Pretty". Or "I'm Too Sexy".

387. I am not a "ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter'"and should stop shouting this at meal times.

388. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a "pimp cane".

389. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"

390. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

391. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says, "All the good-looking ones die young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

392. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger. Especially if it's not true. I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter. Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details.

393. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy. Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either. Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.

394. Voldemort is not my homeboy.

395. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

396. Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.

397. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

398. Don't tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".

399. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting. Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape. Or Harry and Draco.

400. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

401. Bungee jumping off the Astronomy Tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

402. Using Love Potion Number Nine on people is illegal. Therefore I should not make Harry fall in love with Pansy Parkinson. Again.

403. Snape does not take singing requests, therefore I should stop asking him to sing "Tearing Up My Heart" or any other songs

404. This list being used as a checklist is inappropriate, therefore I shouldn't do so.

405. I will not refer to Voldemort as "Voldie-Poo"

406. I will not enchant Draco so that he looks Emo/Goth to everyone around him except himself.

407. I will not turn myself into Malfoy (Polyjuice Potion) and tell everyone in Hogwarts my undying love for Pansy Parkinson...again

408. I did not see Malfoy making out with Cho, Crabbe, or Goyle in the girls bathroom, therefore I should not tell Harry loudly in the Great Hall.

409. I will not sell the Sorting Hat for money for cigarettes

410. I will not mix up potions and magic stuff together and make Ron drink it and tell him it is soda that tastes like that because a bunny made it just for him.

411. I will not bring an evil creature from the 8th dimension and call it my pet.

412. I won't dress up in a black robe, wear a bald wig and tell people that I'm Voldemort.

413. I won't dress up as the "Dark Magician" or the "Dark Magician Girl" in class.

414. Hogwarts does NOT teach you how to banish people to the "shadow realm".

415. I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade, nor will I yell that there is the Dark Mark floating over somewhere.

416. I will not walk up to Ron and Hermione and say they're the perfect couple. Nor will I tell that to Harry and Ginny. Nor Malfoy and Pansy.

417. I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad, bad nightmare about Harry. Nor will I do the same thing with Malfoy and his blanky. Nor Snape with his girly, girly bunny rabbit slippers.

418. I will not tell Lockhart that he is actually a dancer who stars in Swan Lake.

419. I will not write Moogles instead of Muggles.

420. I will not ask Harry if I can have a thunder bolt scar too.

421. I will not ask Malfoy is Cole his brother. Nor Snape.

422. Draco is not Billy Idol's little brother.

423. I will not ask Draco if I can use his face cream.

424. Saying, "Voldie is my hero" is bad.

425. I will not say that Harry has a female counterpart who stars in a kids' education show. Nor will I say that her name is Sharry Spotter.

426. I will not steal Draco's blanky

427. I will not yell, "I saw Draco and Snape last night!" in the Great Hall or anywhere.

428. I will not charm Hermione's cat to jump up and yell, "Rawr, I'm He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!"

429. I will not try and get zombies to eat Draco. Nor Snape.

430. I will not follow anyone around saying "pimp hat" at the most random moments.

431. I will not refer to Fred and George as Hikaru and Kaouru.

432. I will not call Professor Dumbledore 'Dumbydork'.

433. I will not confuse Voldemort with Xehanort, nor will I say they are related in any way, nor mention that their names rhyme.

434. I will not yell, "Harry has a girlfriend! Harry loves Ginny!" in the Great Hall. Nor will I yell, "Ron loves Hermione!" in the Great Hall.

435. I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall.

436. Luna Lovegood is NOT always on "psychedelic mushrooms" and I should stop implying that she is. The same goes for Professor Trelawney. Calling that drug something else changes nothing. Nor does saying they are high on some OTHER drug.

437. I will not tell Dumbledore that there are people outside the books who despise him, nor will I say the same thing to Harry.

438. I will not tell Voldemort that he's too freaking lazy to do stuff himself.

439. Cho is not on anti-depressants, nor should I imply that she needs them.

440. Cho's curly haired friend Marietta with her SNEAK pimples is not a "before" picture for a magazine. Rita Skeeter is not "after"

441. Dobby is not Harry's secret lover, no matter how much he wants to be. Saying he's "obviously not good enough..." is just cruel.

442. Calling the ASPCA about the way Ron treated Scabbers (Wormtail) is pointless, as he is already dead, on the run, or an accomplice depending on where in the books you are.

443. I will not send Fainting Fancies to the Slytherin common room without a antidote, and only a card saying "to the pretty-est girl in the house". Again.

444. I will not blame the Ravenclaw Quidditch team for the entire female population of Slytherin being unconscious for no apparent reason.

445. I will not let my owl claw out the eyes of the Slytherins.

446. I will not let my wand run amok and paint everyone's faces purple.

447. I am not to call people with freckles "spotted owls".

448. I will not eat liver then throw it up on Professor Snape.

449. I will not punch the wand boards until they explode.

450. I will stop insisting that Snape and Hermione are secret admirers. Same goes for McGonagall and Dumbledore.

451. Nearly-Headless Nick does not approve of being called Casper the Friendly Ghost.

452. The fact that Dudley didnt like his pig tail does not mean i should keep switching to different tails to find one he likes better.

453. If Muggle children near the school WANTED their baseballs replaced with Bludgers they would have said.

454. I will not convince everyone that Pansy Parkinson is a Horcrux, and that for the sake of the world she MUST die.

455. I will not convince everyone that Pansy Parkinson is Lord Voldemort after drinking Polyjuice Potion.

456. No matter how much I want to, I will not go into Slytherin house, where I will without a doubt find Pansy Parkinson and murder her, then say "Sorry, Harry, she was a Death Eater-in-training. she and Malfoy were in this together, but I figured I'd leave him to you."

457. I will not ask real-Moody if the real him would turn Malfoy into a ferret just like the fake Moody did. If he says yes, I will not ask him to turn Pansy Parkinson into a raccoon, a naked mole rat, a vole, or any other rodent.

458. I will not speak out about how in-humane it is to use Vanishing Charms on living creatures, because I'm sure I will just be told to "get off my soap box". To actually make a soap box to stand on is inappropriate.

459. The Sorcerer's Stone is destroyed and even though they are annoying, first year Slytherins should not be told it's still down there, as they all want immortality, and the Devil's Snare gets them every time.

460. No one at Hogwarts will buy Harry's gravy stained napkins and having proved this, I will not try selling at Hogsmeade either. Even if interested buyers like Colin Creevey found me at Diagon Alley, I shouldn't be selling Harry's gravy stained napkin. It doesnt matter that he offered me 2 galleons, eleven sickles.

461. I will not use a Time-Turner to hex Malfoy and Pansy and then have eye witness's chip in that they saw me in the place of my alibi

462. I will not tell Dumbledore that his appearance is "feeding stereotypes".

463. I will not enchant pink girly stuffed animals to go around hugging students I don't like in front of large crowds of people.

464. I will not tell Luna Lovegood that they are Bang Ended Scoots, and that the ministry has been breeding them to fight all who oppose them.

465. I will not create a Trouble Makers Hall Of Fame. As such it will not be next to the portable swamp Fred and George set up, and won't have pictures of Harry's dad and Sirius. I will also not have people vote for best trouble maker of the year.

466. I will not sing songs that say "Draco is a dork". Same goes for the rest of the students at Hogwarts.

467. I will not make anyone's nose bleed with the charm "Nose Zap".

468. I will not try to make a cross breed between Hippogriffs and Gryphons.

469. Just because Moody can see through wood doesn't mean I should ask him what a boggart looks like.

470. I am sure the mer-people have their hands full with the Giant Squid, so jumping into the lake and shouting "Accio champ!" would be mean. Likewise to "Accio Loch Ness Monster!"

471. I will not point out to Harry while he struggles to figure out what the Mirror of Erised does to tell Dumbledore, that Erised is "desire" spelled backwards.

472. I will not tell Rufus Scrimegeour that gnomes are not "funny little chaps" at all. To prove that point, I will not tell a crowd of gnomes that they will never be de-gnomed again if they sneak into Rufus Scrimegeour clothes and bite as hard as they can.

473. I will not try to lure the basilisk into Aragog's web to see what creature would make it out alive. I will not sell tickets to WATCH a basilisk and a giant spider kill each other.

474. I will not find people with Muggle parents who like wrestling and point out how violent and stupid it is. I will not tell Dumbledore that the wrestling fan attacked me first, and that I had every right to hex him. I will not refer to wresting as "Muggle dueling with a ref" in front of the previously mentioned fan, no matter how much I feel I need to practice the Leg-Locker Curse.

475. I will not sing "The Mysterious Ticking Noise".

476. I will not find 1st years on the Hogwarts express and say, "Good luck to you! I hear this year they've got a troll to fight to decide your House. Man, in my year we just had to fight fire crabs!"

477. I will not tell Colin Creevey to use brain.

478. I will not tell Dennis Creevey to use his brain.

479. I will not tell Dennis Creevey to use Colin's brain.

480. I will not start to sing "From The Wall" in the middle of class and stand on the tables.

481. I will not become a rat Animagus and re-name myself Yuki.

482. I will not become a cat Animagus and re-name myself Kyo.

483. I will not become a dog Animagus and re-name myself Shigure.

484. I will not shout the secret about Akito (found in volume 17) in the Great Hall, hoping to ruin it to those still reading.

485. I will not say that Peter Pettigrew is Yuki in disguise.

486. I will not ask Professor McGonagall "Kyo, why do you look like a woman?"

487. I will not ask Sirius how his love novels are going.

488. I will not ask Ollivander how many dragons had to die before they figured out heart strings were the things with magical properties.

489. I will not write out Harry Potter series quizzes for first years and say the have to leave if they don't get 100%. No questions on said quiz will ask about the scar over Dumbledore's left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. I will not explain how I remembered that.

490. I will not kill anyone in Hogwarts and blame Voldemort for the crime.

491. I will not let emus run rapid across the Great Hall.

492. I will not sing "Do You Believe In Magic" while walking to Muggle Studies.

493. I will not switch my cauldron with Hermione's when she's not looking.

494. I will not eat a 'nosebleed' treat to get outta class.

495. I will not use the Room of Requirement to see the inside of a volcano.

496. I will stop insisting Neville's in love with the new Mandrakes and DO NOT make a perfect couple.

497. I will stop looking through old Prophets to see if Snape's related to Madam Pince or Filch.

498. I will not ask Professor Snape if he still has his gray underpants.

499. I will not send Dobby to Professor Snape's room with shampoo and conditioner. Especially not American Girl.

500. I will not charm the Great Hall to play "Slayer" when Draco comes in. Nor when Snape comes in.

501. I will not use the Room of Requirement to host a 'Snape needs some sugar' party

502. I will not try the Super Sensory charm to listen to what the other gender really talks about.

503. I will not change my appearance by magic, run in to the corridor near Snape's dungeon, and sing Scream-o songs at the top of my lungs, wait until he sees, then run.

504. When I hear Harry shouting (again) in the fifth book, I will not stick my head in and say "bad things happen to good people."

505. I will not use the Room of Requirement to have the Backstreet Boys perform at Hogwarts.

506. I will not blast people with balls of magic. Or with any other substance. And I will not sing "It's a kind of magic" while blasting people.

507. I will not sell any of these things I'm not supposed to do to first years re-titling it "Things I'm Allowed to Do at Hogwarts".

508. I will not tell Harry the veil at the Department of Mysteries is actually a magical transporter that took Sirius to the Bahamas.

509. The next time I see Professors Dumbledore and Snape talking, I will not shout "Man, I knew Dumbledore was gay, but he's losing his taste". Even if I run very fast.

510. I will not ask Sirius if his middle name is Lee.

511. I will not ask Hagrid how he was created, because frankly I do not want to know.

512. I will not put dead spiders in Georges ear hole. Or anything else for that matter.

513. I will not X-ray Madam Maxime and compare her bones to a dinosaurs.

514. I will not play "Crank that, Soulja Boy" during potions class and ask Professor Snape to join in the dancing. Even if he does know the moves

515. Voldemort is not Hilary Clinton in disguise.

516. I will not write on the front of my black notebook 'Death Note', nor will I enchant said 'Death Note' to have anyone who touches it sees a flying monster.

517. I will not throw frogspawn at Neville, nor will I throw it at anyone else.

518. I will not create the magical equivalent of a Nuclear explosion. It's just dumb.

519. I will not conjure up lemons and say "Life hath given thou LEMONS!"

520. I will not turn anyone's robes into a turtle. It being a rare breed of Painted Turtles that could be used for breeding makes no difference.

521. I am never to introduce myself as "Talia, the Queen's Own" or ask where my Companion Rolan has gone, likewise referring to myself as Herald-Mage Vanyel is wrong.

522. I will not ask Draco Malfoy if Snape is good in bed. I will also not ask about Harry Potter. I will also not ask Harry Potter if Snape is good in bed. I will also not ask Snape if Lucius Malfoy is good in bed.

523. I will not refer to Professor Snape as "Sevvykins". Or "Snivellus".

524. I will not stand on the Desk in potions class and sing "From The Wall". While doing so I may not point to Snape at "No Dark sarcasm in the class room".

525. I may not pay Hagrid, Peeves, or any other non-teacher to burst in and say "Hey! You, Teacher! Leave those kids alone!"

526. I will not imply that Professor Snape is Ozzy Osbourne.

527. I will not ask Professor Snape how "Ozzy is".

528. Professor Snape is in no way related to Ozzy Ozbourne.

529. I am not to tell First years that Dumbledore is Santa's brother.

530. I am not to imply that if Hogwarts had a special needs group then Dumbledore's sister could have gotten help.

531. I am not to ask the house elves if the Gryffindors could have Cheetos and Doritos with dinner.

532. I cannot ask the house elves to carve the ham into a human head and serve it to Slytherin. Nor any other body part.

533. I will not spread the rumor that Umbridge was Muggle born.

534. I won't put new born babies under the Sorting Hat just to confuse it.

535. I will not put owls under the Sorting Hat just to confuse it.

536. I will not ask Mrs. Pince to find me the manga section.

537. I will not bet on how many paper planes stick in Professor Snape's hair.

538. I did not see Pansy in the Slytherin common room singing 'I Kissed A Girl' and I should stop telling people that I did. I also did not see her singing 'Pansylicious'. The same goes for Hermione.

539. I will not stand in the middle of the great hall and sing, "I may be a tiny chimney sweep but I have an enormous...broom". Nor anywhere else for that matter.

540. I will not go down to the kitchens, get a bowl of grapes, and then make them peel them for me.

541. No alligators. No exceptions.

542. I will not challenge Aragog and his mate to a "14 legged race" no matter how fun the outcome would be.

543. Demanding to the Minister why wizards weren't out magically helping the Giant Panda populations is highly frowned upon. Writing a business letter about it doesn't stop it from being rude. Writing TWO business letter likewise changes nothing. Even if I did say "Dear" at the beginning.

544. There has never been and there isn't now a great lord Waldemart and you are discouraged from voicing that idea in front of Voldemort. You are also greatly discouraged from saying that he is the greatest wizard in the world because Voldemort might not respond do that too kindly.

545. Screaming out "I saw Harry and Draco down in the dungeons snogging each other" in the middle of the Great Hall is not appropriate. Nor in any other place. Even if everyone finds it amusing.

546. Using wizard swears inside the walls of Hogwarts is also forbidden even if Dumbledore has forgotten he set this rule.

547. Selling photoshopped pictures of Harry and Voldemort making out is not a way to earn money. Even if every student buys them and sticks them up on their walls.

548. Enchanting mistletoe to take up the properties of devil snare is not funny.

549. Enchanting the armor around Hogwarts to barge into Slytherin Common Room and start singing "Ding dong, the heir of Slytherin is dead" or "Ding, dong, Voldemort is dead" the night Voldemort is defeated is not allowed. Nor is enchanting them to go to Gryffindor Common Room and sing "Ding, Dong, James and Lily Potter are dead".

550. Telling first years that at the end of the year they have to do an exam involving a three-headed dog, devil snare, an oversized chess board, flying keys, and a table of potions, one which will kill you, and then in the end battling the DADA professor, who has He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named bulging out on the back of his head is not funny, or allowed.

551. Enchanting a Bludger to hit Crabbe or Goyle on the back of the head to see if they have any brain cells to lose is not considered an appropriate Charms homework experiment. Even if the it proves that they don't.

552. I will not cast the Imperius Curse on Snape and make him sing 'I'm to sexy' and strip off his shirt no matter how amusing the idea is. Nor will I charm him to sing 'I feel pretty' and dance around with the moves from "Bet On It" no matter what YouTube video I got the idea from.

553. I will never destroy anything with my magic until after class.

554. I will never use Harry Potter's husk as a doll to fool the Hogwart's members with.

555. I will never bring a computer to Hogwarts. I will never use PowerPoint to try to explain the plot of the 7th book. I will never $pEk fr|n lNgug3.

556. I will never call Severs Snape, or Voldemort, n00bs

557. Victor Krum is in no way like Jack Sparrow. I should not ask to see his Kraken.

558. Voldemort is not Davy Jones. I am not allowed to ask to see his Kraken either.

559. Snape has no interest in going down 'to the paradise city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty' and I should stop sending invitations to aforementioned place.

560. I will not run up to faculty and slap them with fish, no matter how humorous the results.

561. Under no circumstances am I allowed to sing the entire soundtrack of ANY Rogers and Hammerstein musical in public. And if I do, broadcasting it over the entire school results in extra consequences.

562. Despite how interested I am in Werewolves I am not allowed to replace Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with water in order to track his transformation. Nor am I allowed to remove it for the purpose of becoming a Werewolf as well.

563. Despite how much I like dogs, putting a leash on Professor Lupin us inappropriate.

564. I will not call Professor Trelawney "psychedelic" or "tubular" or Snape SO pissed!

565. I am not to insist that 'Sweeney Todd' has set up shop in the Owlery and that Dobby is moonlighting as 'Mrs. Lovett'. Dobby is also not looking for 'his precious'

566. After an argument with Harry I am not allowed to comeback with "Go cry to your Mama".

567. Hogwarts is not holding auditions for America's Next Top Model and I should stop telling the first years otherwise.

568. Hermione doesn't find it amusing to have her notebooks charmed to chorus 'Hermione Weasley', or 'Hermione Malfoy'.

569. Dressing up as the Muggle George Washington and attempting to chop down the Whomping Willow is not advised.

570. Claiming the voices inside my head made me do something is not an adequate excuse for anything. Nor is claiming my evil twin Larry did it.

571. Dumbledore does not wish to participate in my amateur porno and I should stop asking.

572. I am ABSOLUTELY not allowed to enchant Umbridge's shoes to make them clop like hoofs when she walks, no matter how much Fred would have loved it.

573. I am not allowed to send an owl to Mrs. Wesley and ask where Fred's hand on her clock is pointing...that's just mean.

574. I am not allowed to buy Voldemort a poodle and paint it's fur pink. I am not allowed to kill said poodle in his sleep and hang its bloody carcass from the ceiling of Voldemort's bedroom.

575. I will not use Veritaserum on Snape to confirm our suspicions that he is, indeed, a virgin. Conversely, I will not use the potion to find out just how many times he's pleasured himself while using Legilimens on Harry and watching him see Lily in the Mirror of Erised.

576. I will never, ever, EVER serenade Draco Malfoy with "Every Little Thing She Does is Magic."

577. I will not tell Luna Lovegood that if and only if she consumes poison mead, she will be able to see Nargles, Wrackspurts and other such creatures with the naked eye.

578. I will not steal Luna Lovegood's bottle cork charm.

579. I will not ask Dean Thomas if 'Jesus was a brotha.'

580. I will not ask Professor Trelawney if she supports the legalization of marijuana. Or if she is a vegetarian. Or if she can see auras.

581. I am never to break Mr. Weasley's heart by telling him that rubber ducks do not have a 'function' per say.

582. No one is to EVER EVER EVER play music by Justin Beiber, Ke$ha, or Hannah Montana/ Miley Cyrus in Hogwarts or anywhere else for that matter.

583. I am not allowed to play the line: "But that was when I ruled the world" from "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay for Voldemort.

584. I am not allowed to sell Pool Passes to the First Years and tell them the pool is on the 7th Floor.

585. I will not point and laugh at Harry, exclaiming how all the death threats Trelawney made were actually true.

586. Professor Snape does not find the phrase "Lockhart is my baby daddy" remotely humorous, especially when written on any of his belongings.

587. Spongebob is not a new Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean flavor. Neither is parsnip. Seeing who can sell the most fake flavors to first years is not an appropriate pastime, and I am not going to keep their money.

588. Vanishing Muggles' books, keys, clothes, cars, etc., is not funny in any way.

589. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera".

590. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

591. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

592. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

593. I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.

594. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a _ out of my hat!" during Charms class.

595. I may not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

596. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy".

597. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

598. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

599. I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie". Even if it is a legitimate nickname.

600. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."

601. I must not start a "Vetinari for Minister of Magic" campaign.

602. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

603. First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

604. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine".

605. I will not tell the Muggle-born first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

606. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Homeboys."

607. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

608. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

609. I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

610. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

611. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.

612. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.

613. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

614. The Malfoys are not Draka.

615. I am not a sloth Animagus.

616. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

617. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

618. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present. Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

619. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

620. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

621. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design".

622. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

623. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snape's private chambers to watch him sing "I Will Survive" in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

624. I will not "borrow" a prefect's badge for Peeves.


End file.
